Get better outcomes by focusing on expectations

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

William Shakespeare

Expectations change the reality of every situation.

Two people can have the same experience but perceive it completely differently based on their expectations.

If two people stop at a fast-casual chain for lunch but one was expecting a quick meal and one was expecting a gourmet sit-down restaurant experience, they will have the same experience but entirely different perceptions.

The expectations we have for ourselves and others are one of the biggest influences on how we feel about our lives on a day-to-day basis.

Expectations for ourselves

We are in control of our feelings.

A large part of how we feel is determined by the relationship between our expectations and reality.

We can influence reality and outcomes, but we can’t control them. However, we can control our expectations.

If it’s raining we can’t change the fact that the dog needs to be taken for a walk, but we can adjust our expectations on getting wet.

If we set the expectation that the rain stinks and we don’t want to get wet, we’re going to have a miserable experience walking the dog.

When we come to the walk with the expectation that we’re going to get wet, stepping in a puddle is no longer frustrating and wet socks don’t bother us.

Focusing on our expectations as a way to influence our experience forces us to focus on what’s in our control instead of what’s out of our control.

Instead of becoming frustrated with things we can’t control we can adjust our expectations to accept reality and tolerate or even enjoy things that previously made us angry or frustrated.

Expectations for others

Equally, if not more important, than the expectations we create for ourselves are the expectations we share with others.

When two people have differing expectations about the same thing they may as well be living in two different worlds.

The same gesture has wildly different consequences depending on the expectations the involved parties have.

If a husband and wife both expect the other to empty the dishwasher, the person who eventually empties it will feel like they are doing the other a favor while their spouse might be frustrated it took them so long to empty it in the first place.

Same action, but very different perceptions.

The actions we take in our relationships are less important than the expectations both parties have.

It doesn’t matter who empties the dishwasher at home, who writes the report at work, or which of our friends is in charge of making plans.

What matters is that everyone has the same expectations for who is doing what, how they are supposed to be doing it, and why they are doing it.

If we can understand and align our expectations with the people around us, we can identify and rectify disagreements or confusion before they happen.

Whether for ourselves or with others, the difficult part about managing and setting expectations is remembering to consider them in the first place.

When most of what we do every day is on autopilot it’s hard to consider our expectations for something that we do without even thinking.

Although challenging, pausing to consider and communicate our expectations is one of the most powerful levers we have to change our everyday experience.

Prompts

Consider the most important thing you need to do tomorrow. What are your expectations for this? Are they setting you up for success? Should you share them with anyone else?
Do you have any reoccurring arguments or frustrations with your significant other, coworkers, or anyone else? Are there clearly defined expectations in place?
How can you adjust your expectations to make an improvement before the end of today?

Deep Dive

Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg
- A simple and effective framework for communicating clearly without conflict.

This post is part of Prompted, a Series on IH.

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