The struggles of a first-time founder and first-time father

Some thoughts (as a father of a 6-year old that has had multiple projects and startups since she was born):

• The first 6-12 months after your child is born you do genuinely have to reconcile with the fact your old life is gone. Your time for hobbies and projects sure, but also your relationship with your partner will change, your friends that don't have kids, your relationship with your parents etc. It's okay to mourn your old life, it's normal, but you also have to learn to accept that change or else you'll drive yourself mad. It takes time, but just hang in there, sometimes that's all you need to do.
• The majority of parents feel this conflict that they love their child and they're grateful for the time they have with them, but that also parenting can be a relentless and mind-numbing chore at times. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like that.
• Sleep truly is a killer, it should be your number 1 priority when trying to feel well mentally, and paradoxically the more you focus on its importance the harder you might find it to get good rest. We paid for a sleep coach to help our baby sleep really well, and it also taught us a lot about how to get good sleep as adults.
• Your business might fail, it might survive, or thrive, but your responsibilities as a parent are probably now with you until you die. In all circumstances (fail, survive, thrive) the only thing that actually matters is that your child thrives. Nobody sits on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time on their business projects and less with their family...there must be a reason why that's what we hear. Elderly people share that advice with their kids from their deathbeds cause they see the mistakes we're making, or they remember making that same mistake themselves.
• Both my partner and I felt really drawn to our various projects and business activities as new parents, it felt like one of the few pieces of our pre-parenting selves that we could preserve. You're trying to maintain your sense of self in a whole new personal reality, it's okay to want that.
• Talk to your partner, a constant dialogue about this stuff really matters.
• I recommend agreeing some structure and routine with your partner too. Like 'I'm the primary carer Monday-Friday, but as such I would appreciate every Sunday afternoon from 12pm-5pm to myself'. If that means you only get 5 hours work at the weekend, and like 2 hours a day during the baby's naps (around housework etc) then that's just how it will have to be until they start daycare.
• It really won't be that long until your child is in daycare, school etc - after that you'll be super grateful that you stuck out this challenging time now.
• Our favourite mantra was 'it's only a phase', because with kids/parenting no phase lasts, and more often than not kids become more and more rewarding, and less and less challenging - I promise.

Lastly, something that sticks with me a lot, is the fact that by the time your kids are 12 you'll have already spent 75% of the time you'll ever spend with them. That's sort of tragic, and heartbreaking in its own way, but it's the reality of things (maybe less so in Italy as people live with their parents longer!). I worked part-time for my daughter's first year and on-and-off throughout her first 6 years, and I often think about how when I hardly see her anymore when she's 18+ and away from home, I'll love that I did that...even if it was hard!

I have 2 sons, worked from home almost all my life while working on my business and now when working in someone else’s company and trying to bootstrap some SaaS. Also, my youngest is autistic so it kind of changes a picture a bit.

Some advices:

• don’t skip naps
• ALWAYS carve out time for YOURSELF (meditate, take a walk/run/ride) - while your wife stays with your child
• eat healthy
• if your wife has to stay home for some reason (day off/got sick/etc) - get out and work from caffe/co-working place if possible
• some music helps with focus while working (I.e. psychill/psybient/psytrance)

it will get easier very soon - children grow faster than we want them to ;)

I feel you, Alessandro. As I'm also a relatively new father while juggling work on my startup. It's a love-and-hate relationship with my baby. Sometimes I love how cute he is, but the other times he's draining my energy so I couldn't work on anything.

Here's what's helpful to navigate the moment for me:

• Remind yourself that it's not forever. Your baby will grow and he couldn't go back to his age anymore. You'll miss this very moment. Never take it for granted!

• Schedule your time rigorously. What works for me is to start very early in the morning before the baby wakes up. That time I'll get done as many things as possible to carry the winning spirit throughout the day.

• Minimize multitasking. When I do the work, I'll put my phone far away, so that I'll not get disturbed by anything. When I play with my baby, I'll totally focus on him. I realized that too much switching context will drain your energy rapidly.

Enjoy the moment, Alessandro! Your baby would be proud of you, his superhero.

I' completely understand where you are coming from being a father of 2 kids (and 2 dogs). If you want a bit of unsolicited advice if you have some financial availability, hire a babysitter more days. It really does help you having more energy consistently which is much better in the long run for both your family and yourself.

I'd suggest talking to your wife. I think what you're experiencing is pretty common. Having the support of someone else will help. Plus, she may have suggestions for improving the situation. Maybe, she reduces her hours at work or you get a part-time nanny.

I raised 3 children without any help from anyone except my dear spouse. Based on that experience I know that 1) babies are exhausting, no matter your 9-5 job in the office, or a WFH hustle; 2) sleep deprivation is unavoidable; 3) you may lose it pretty often because your stress level is high all/most of the time; 4) despite all of it, raising children is the best part of life; maybe not everyone's life but certainly my life. My only regret is that none of us took any parental leave, and we had to rely on daycare and babysitters too much and too often.

My advice: keep going, consider taking break from your job, either you or your partner/spouse, but don't do it at the same time. Babies need mothers more than fathers in the first couple of years of their lives, but as they grow into childhood, adolescence and adulthood, father's role becomes more and more crucial. Whatever suits your situation, you can make it work, and you will adapt to it, over time. The transition is hard, but it will be over, and you will grow into parenthood and probably will enjoy it. Wishing you all the best!

I’m father of a 5 year old boy.

I quit my corporate job about a year before he was born to focus on freelancing and other side projects.

After my wife went back to work I became the stay at home dad. Eventually at about 18 months, he went to nursery half the week and then with me the other half. The decision to go to nursery was more for him to have additional opportunities to socialize with other kids and do different activities. Of course, the extra time for me was useful but wasn’t the main driver.

I tried to do what I could with the time available. Had to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t going to build a unicorn on half a week and bits of work done during naps.

On the flip side, my time with him was awesome. Felt extremely privileged to be heading out on little adventures and laughing a lot. Not many fathers get to be this involved.

Now he’s 5, he’s at school and, although I get more time to work, I honestly miss those early days. They absolutely fly by and they’ll never happen again.

I can understand your frustration. It isn’t easy to get anything else done.

If I can offer advice based on my experience… enjoy the time with your son, build slowly when you can fit it in, get hyper organized with your projects so you only focus on what moves the needle. You can step it up when he starts school or when you can get some childcare (if feasible).

Das kinderzimmer ist mehr als eine Kita. Wir machen Kinder stark fürs Leben und fit für die Zukunft. Ihren Eltern machen wir das Leben ein bisschen leichter, indem wir helfen, Familie und Beruf zu vereinbaren. Denn wir finden: Eine gute Kita richtet sich danach, was gut für die Familie ist – und nicht umgekehrt.
https://www.kita-kinderzimmer.de/fuer-unternehmen/

I have 2 sons, worked from home almost all my life while working on my business and now when working in someone else’s company and trying to bootstrap some SaaS.
https://garagedoorrepairpetersburgva.net/

Oh!!! The being at home "privilege" phenomena is so absurd. I've been working from home since last 8 years and now it's merely a burden but I'm not married yet and I can totally understand your situation and your frustration about it. I started this project cheap washing machine, it's a blog of mine and believe me since I've come into a relationship, it has been a liability rather than a embodiment of enjoyment! Good luck to you.

Hey Alessandro, I'm sorry you are feeling this way!

I've been through the exact same thing! I'm a father of 3 and when our first was born 4 years ago I stayed home with him when my wife went back to work (the same as you) and I worked a full time job. I'll start by saying It was very difficult and I definitely felt some of the same things you are feeling. Watching my son and working a full time job was impossible for me. I was either shorting my employer or shorting my son.

It wasn't fair to my son that my attention was divided. He deserved more and eventually required more.

For a while I could bank on nap times to get my work done, which became less and less frequent as he got older. Ultimately, my wife and I had to make a decision. My job was our primary source of income and we didn't want to send him to day care, so she came home. We lost a big portion of our income, but we made it work and my wife has been staying home with our kids ever since!

The hardest thing I do (still) every day is turn off my work brain so I can turn on my dad brain and have meaningful engagement with my children. There is no one else that can father your son, but you. So finding a balance that works for you is key. I also believe this is something us dads will face for our entire lives. I'm still having to remind myself daily what is most important.

I am incredibly grateful for the time with my son. It was a unique experience that not all fathers get the chance to do. It definitely made me a better dad and a better husband.

Children are a blessing but also a test of your patience and personal growth.

My son was born just before I launched my startup Glorify and going fulltime in 2019, and guess what my second son was born 4 months ago and my startup is about to run out of cash reserves in roughly 6 months! I had to endure the struggles, and see the beauty in every step. Of course getting support from my wife and family when needed, it's all part of the process. That's what entrepreneurship is about, it's real gladiator stuff! Don't get me wrong I get some serious low moments, I think I literally cried a couple hours ago when processing the reality of our cashflow...

Yes it's hard but it's equally if not more rewarding. Definitely not for everyone.

Another thing that helped me is my faith, and not sure if this resonates with everyone, but just sharing this anyway as I believe Indie Hackers is a transparent and open minded safe community to share anything.
In my faith and I am sure in many other philosophies (being a believer of the Islamic tradition) we believe in 3 things that makes fatherhood easier especially in the early stages:

1. No difficulty is placed on another human more than they can bare.
2. With hardship follows ease
3. Every child comes with their own provision, whether you provide it or not. So know that the divine reality will sustain living creatures, so the best you can do is just keep going with persistence.

My partner and I are expecting our first child in a few days, and I'm in the midst of working on a new company. I'm really nervous about juggling a newborn with a brand-new startup, so thanks for sharing this. I'm not sure if there are support groups that specifically exist for new parents & founders, but maybe those would be a good resource?

Can you afford childcare? Even if not fulltime. Otherwise sounds like this tension is gonna eat you up and build up regrets.

Don't have experience in your situation but my partner's mom is a nanny! A lot of her clients have been parents who work from home.

Parents loved their children but had no separation between their work and their life. My partner's mom would take care of the child during the day while mom or dad worked in their office. Mom or dad would have time for lunch with their child which let them have the best of both worlds - time for their work and time to see their kid when they could.

I am a founder but not a stay-at-home dad so I'm not quite in the same situation but can imagine how hard it is. If you look at it like this - anything that you are new at, it's going to be hard. Think of every new job you had. Being a dad is a job, you have to learn the ropes. It will get easier because you'll get better. You'll then be better able to balance everything. Best of luck!

Well this sounds truly sad but is something many fathers experience. Me and my Wife founded a startup and an NGO when our first daughter was born. That was a tough ride I can tell you that. Working both from home, no family for support, no friends, almost zero social life.

But never less we found a way to go through every pitfall, small and big ones. We now have two wonderful daughters and I am so proud of them and of us that we made it.

Still a tough journey for me personally but we now know what we are capable to handle and glad we choose our family always first. We learned ti support each other, to give some space and have great off days to reduce stress.

We are now both living out of our NGO and currently I am working on my first SaaS which is also fashion related.

I truly hope that you both can figure things out and please TALK to each other. This will help a lot.

Cheers Ali

Need idea validation -
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Here it is!
Thank you

Think of every new job you had